Open Arms

Oct. 11th, 2014 01:53 am
psharp10: (jaejoong)
[personal profile] psharp10
Title: Open Arms
Rating: PG-13 (i guess?)
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Jonghyun/Suho
Length: 1,466 words
Summary: "just-" he hesitates, taking a few shaky, deep breaths. "i feel like i'm doing something wrong."
Warning/s: lapslock??? sad feelings??
Notes: written bc i feel depressed. i'm not against luhan leaving or yifan leaving - just as a note, please don't hate on me for that. i'm just sad and this is a way i'm letting out my sadness (also jongmyun is always a plus, there should be more jongmyun in this world). i still can't imagine seeing exo without luhan and i'm sad about all of the lost chances i had of seeing either exo-m as 6, exo together as 12 or 11 and i'm sad. the title comes from the song "open arms" bc i was listening to jongdae, baekhyun, kyungsoo and luhan's cover of it when i started posting this. unbeta'd - not even read over once bc i'm too sad so all mistakes are mine.


"am i a bad leader?" joonmyun turns to his friend, tilting his head in expectation for the answer.

"what? of course not, what are you talking about joon?" jonghyun replies, his eyebrows furrowing immediately. joonmyun doesn't doubt that his friend's already going through multiple scenarios in head that could have caused joonmyun to ask this question.

joonmyun laughs, it's hollow and rough. shaking his head, he returns his gaze back to the city. a cold gust of wind blows and joonmyun shivers, wrapping the jacket around him tighter and stuffing his hands deeper into the pockets.

"just-" he hesitates, taking a few shaky, deep breaths. "i feel like i'm doing something wrong." he can feel jonghyun's gaze burning the profile of his face.

he shifts and readjusts his footing so leaning against the hotel balcony is a bit more comfortable. he feels the older male move closer and he again turns his face to look at his friend. only for a few seconds though, and then he's facing the city once more. he feels vulnerable right now, as if if he says anything else, he'll spill everything and it will all show on his face.

jonghyun wraps an arm around the younger's waist and brings him closer, hugging him tightly. he rests his head on joonmyun's and sighs deeply.

"is this about yifan?" jonghyun's voice is soft, flowing with the night and its mood rather than piercing through it.

there's no response from joonmyun for a few minutes, until he relents.

"partially."

"what's the other part then?" the older's quick to question back. he knows that perhaps he should be a bit slower with the questioning, a bit softer. however, he also knows that if he doesn't get joonmyun to open up now, he may not know what the problem is until it's too late.

"you'll-" joonmyun's voice cracks and he releases a shaky breath in succession. "you'll know soon enough."

worry creases into the lines on jonghyun's forehead.

"is another member leaving?" the older asks. "joonmyun?"

it takes a few moments, but joonmyun slowly nods in reply. jonghyun doesn't hesitate to envelope joonmyun into a hug now. he wraps his arms around joonmyun, one resting on the back of the younger's head and the other on the waist. joonmyun burrows his face in the crook of his friend's neck and whimpers, trying to hold back his tears.

"it's not you," jonghyun whispers, rubbing slow circles with the hand that is on joonmyun's waist. he feels the younger's arms wrap around his own waist and he presses a soft kiss to the top of joonmyun's head.

they stay like that for a while, with jonghyun silently comforting his friend - his dongsaeng - until he feels the telltale wetness of tears soak through his shirt.

"come, let's move inside," jonghyun pulls slightly back from the embrace and quickly drags the younger to the bed inside the hotel room. he lies down on the bed and pulls down joonmyun next to him, hugging him once again.

covering both of them with a blanket, he lets joonmyun cry on his shoulder, the younger's fingers tightly clutching and bunching up the older's shirt. the wetness is a bit uncomfortable, but it doesn't faze jonghyun, instead the older just tightens his embrace around his dongsaeng.

"hyung," joonmyun's voice cracks at the word and jonghyun knows that it must be much more than just another member leaving. joonmyun hasn't called him hyung like that since 2012 - when he first had fears of becoming a leader.

it's not the tone which joonmyun uses when he wants to coerce jonghyun into buying or doing something for him. aside from that, joonmyun rarely even calls jonghyun hyung, believing himself to be part of '90-line since he's an early '91-liner. the honorific itself worries jonghyun more, and the tone - how joonmyun almost whimpered the word, how his voice cracked - just adds to the growing fear.

jonghyun uses both of his hands to cup the younger's face and gently raise it to look joonmyun in the eyes. joonmyun doesn't avoid the contact, and this scares jonghyun. joonmyun usually doesn't like people worrying about him, he doesn't show his weaknesses and vulnerabilities. he refuses eye contact with anyone especially when he's crying. and now? now he's not even bothering to look away.

the younger's eyes are red, puffing slightly around the edges and still have tears sliding down from them. joonmyun's lips are wet with saliva and the bottom one is reddening from the biting. jonghyun smooths the lip out from under the teeth with his thumb and gently wipes away the tears. he leans down and softly kisses joonmyun on the lips, closing his eyes and tangling his legs with the younger's under the covers.

joonmyun is quick to response, his eyelids closing as soon as jonghyun's lips touch his and his hands moving up until they rest locked behind the older's neck. joonmyun lets out soft, small whimpers and choked sobs, kissing jonghyun back fervently, although jonghyun slows the kisses down, reducing the pace so it's calmer.

pecking the younger's lips softly, jonghyun pulls back and lets a small smile grace his face when he hears the joonmyun whine at the loss of contact.

"tell me what's wrong, it's not just another member leaving, is it?" jonghyun quietly asks. "has it all been building up?"

joonmyun nods in reply, biting his lower lip once again.

"it's- it's not really lu-" joonmyun freezes, almost letting the member's name slip through his lips. he could avoid this now, but he knows jonghyun probably knows the member's identity now as well, if the raised eyebrows are any indication.

"it's not really luhan leaving that's bothering me so much, nor is it yifan's leave," joonmyun continues, saying the name out loud. it feels more like it's happening once he says luhan's name. like it solidifies things. "it's just everything pilling up all together. i know that i'm not good enough. i never have been. yifan left, and now luhan's leaving. almost all of the members have suffered some kind of injury over the course of this year or are dead tired from exhaustion. i know this is what happens when we start getting popular, that we get more endorsements and schedules, but it's hurting some of the members so much and i don't know if i'm doing enough. jonginnie, he doesn't - he doesn't tell me if something's wrong at first.

"i only get to know it once it's too late, and then jongdae and baekhyun - they have their insecurities, i know but when they resurface, i don't know until it's affected them too much. i know that i smile through my pain, but i'm the leader. the others…they don't have to be strong, i'm their rock, aren't i? i should help them carry their burdens, but i don't think i'm doing it right. especially if they all start leaving."

joonmyun finishes his little speech and lets out another shaky breath. he looks up at the older male, but quickly turns and burrows his face in the older's chest when he can't decipher the mixed look in jonghyun's eyes.

"joonmyun," jonghyun whispers. "joonmyun look at me. listen to me."

tentatively, joonmyun raises his head once more.

"you're good enough. you're more than good enough. even if it takes me my whole life to prove this to you, i will. and also, there always other reasons. you're not the reason why yifan and luhan left, do you understand me? you did not do anything to affect their leave," jonghyun said, running his fingers through joonmyun's hair. his other hand playing with the tiny hairs at the nape of the younger's neck.

joonmyun looks at jonghyun and nods, although a bit reluctantly.

"you can't be a rock all the time joon," jonghyun switches back to whispering as he leans his forehead against joonmyun's. "you can break too."

"sorry."

"shh," jonghyun whisper, shaking his head slightly. "don't be sorry. it's okay."

the older finishes by kissing the brunet on the lips once again, calmly and gently. "you'll be fine," jonghyun whispers, sucking softly on joonmyun's bottom lip. "i'm here."

"thank you," joonmyun whispers back.

"don't mention it," the older replies, smiling and kissing the younger on the forehead. "let's go to sleep now, hm?"

joonmyun nods, and shifts so he's more comfortably snuggled up to jonghyun. pressing one last kiss to joonmyun's forehead, jonghyun holds the younger close and hopes that he can make joonmyun smile more genuinely more often. he knows that joonmyun doesn't believe him now, but he also knows that he can make joonmyun believe him.

it saddens him to see the brightness inside of joonmyun slowly losing it's spark, he wants to reignite it.

fin.

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