Length: 848 words
Summary: just like that, joonmyun's existence is washed away.
Warning/s: a lot of angst, self hate and depression??? and character death (sorry) - also written in past tense (though idk if that's a warning tbh)
Notes: i wrote this while listening to gd's 'that xx' and tablo's (ft. taeyang) cover of 'eyes, nose, lips' on repeat, plus i've been feeling down for the past few days so i apologize.
joonmyun popped a handful of sleeping pills into his mouth and gulped some water down from a bottle to help swallow the tablets. he screwed the cap back on the bottle and kept it on the kitchen counter, stretching his arms above his head. yawning and running a hand through his hair, he dragged himself back to his bedroom.
sleep had become a hard thing for joonmyun to achieve these days. maybe it was because of the exhausting schedules with events piling on one after another with seemingly no end, or the constantly increasing expectations that were demanded of him. either way, the darkness of his room swallowed him every night, although never pulling him deep enough that he could sleep.
when he did manage to fall asleep, his dreams were riddled with nightmares. his worst fears and doubts materialized behind his eyelids, and waking up drenched in sweat and his own heavy breathing filling his ears became a regular thing - that is when he was able to sleep.
the dark circles underneath his eyes became more prominent with each night spent without rest. the coordi noonas always frowned when they saw him, his face growing gaunter and paler each time. and every time, all joonmyun could offer in response was a grim smile, filled with regret and self hate.
joonmyun blamed himself again and again. it was his fault that he wasn't able to fall asleep.
his fault that he couldn't manage to reach the expectations that were set for him.
his fault that he couldn't handle the schedules and events.
his fault that he couldn't take care of himself, of his health.
it was all his fault.
and he couldn't anymore.
he just- he couldn't.
the thinness is accepted, welcomed even, in the world of modeling and fashion. however, there is a limit to it. there are always limits. and joonmyun had long crawled past the line drawn between what is acceptable and what isn't.
when joonmyun imagined his future as a child, he always thought that he would be up on a stage, singing his heart out, maybe with a few other group members. whenever he went to sleep, he could feel the heat of the lights on a music show stage burn at him as he would sing and smile at the fans cheering for him. he always had a very creative mind, as he was often told as well. and maybe that's what also resulted in the vividness of his dreams, of his nightmares.
stuck in the cold and unforgiving world of fashion was not what he foresaw in his future. however, it is where he ended up being.
he now felt the flash of camera lights against him and his body as he strutted down the catwalk. his body was used over and over again to display the variety of clothing designers wanted to try on him. he wasn't tall, but his pale complexion and toned body with his visuals covered up for his lack in height. and it was his expressions, his hard and disinterested face that drew the reporters and fans in.
after his first show, he got himself a manager to handle the numerous invitations and requests he got from fashion designers. seven years later, at the age of twenty seven, the number of requests sent to joonmyun had steadily decreased.
joonmyun, though, couldn't bring himself to care. it had even gotten to a point where his manager had stopped pushing him to be better to get more calls and requests. the self hate and depression joonmyun faced with each show he finished just seemed to increase.
when he looked in the mirror, he no longer saw a handsome man. he saw a man who was tired and sad. a man who had had years of work and pain peel him away, leaving behind nothing but a wasted and empty corpse. a shadow of the person that used to live in the body.
when joonmyun fell asleep that night, his sleep induced by the drugs, for some reason, he looked much healthier than he was, than he had been. he looked better, even happier.
the following morning, joonmyun didn't wake up. neither did he the following week.
when joonmyun's manager opened the door to the apartment with a spare key, since joonmyun hadn't been responding to his calls or texts, he was welcomed with a body bundled in sheets, soundly asleep on the bed.
the apartment reeked, and joonmyun's manager didn't need to think twice to know what had happened.
the police were called, and the death was investigated. there was a small column for joonmyun in the daily newspaper, a small section in the entertainment news on tv. another model had taken their own life, drug overdose.
the suicides weren't shocking anymore. it wasn't something that was unexpected or surprising in the modeling industry. joonmyun's death and life was buried away as days passed, and he was forgotten as his body withered away in his grave. and just like that, joonmyun's existence is washed away.