bitterness

Jun. 7th, 2014 10:49 pm
psharp10: (taem)
[personal profile] psharp10
Title: Bitterness
Rating: PG
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Suho-centric
Length: 527 words
Summary: he watches his friends dance and sing on the screen, and he can feel the moves underneath his fingertips. he remembers them all.
Warning/s: angst angst angst
Notes: i was going through my stuff and i remembered that i had written this a while back, decided to edit it and add a bit to it~ also on aff here~


the first time joonmyun watches shinee's replay music video is when it comes out. he sits on his bed in his room, the door locked, and a pillow clutched to his chest as the video plays in front of him on his laptop screen.

he watches his friends dance and sing on the screen, and he can feel the moves underneath his fingertips. he remembers them all.

he was supposed to be with his friends, in the video. he should be watching himself on the screen.

instead he watches his friends on the computer, the bitterness eating him up. he doesn't let his tears fall though, he smiles instead. it’s tight lipped, but it’s a smile. no tears.

he watches the video over and over again, trying to forget the meeting with the sm director telling him, jongin and moonkyu that they had been cut. that instead of an eight member group, lee sooman had decided that five members would be a better fit.

when joonmyun's mom calls him down for dinner, he responds with 'just another minute'. he shuts his laptop, makes sure his eyes don't look watery, plasters a smile on his face and goes downstairs to join his family for dinner.

xxx

the next time joonmyun watches the replay music video is in 2010. it’s just a few days before shinee's lucifer album is released. this time he's sitting next to jongin in their dance practice room. they're both sweaty and tired, and slightly out of breath as they watch the dance version of the music video play.

the quality isn't the best, their friends on the computer screen appear blurry - just like their friendship nowadays.

joonmyun turns to look at jongin and sees him focused on the screen, his eyes tracking all of the moves. he can’t tell how jongin feels, the only expression on his face is one of calmness and focus.

joonmyun turns his attention back to the screen and swallows down the bitter taste that’s growing in his mouth. it still hurts.

xxx

it's 2014 when joonmyun last watches the replay music video. this time, the circumstances are different. instead of sitting in an empty practice room, sweaty and tired, he's in his room in exo's dorm.

sehun’s already fast asleep in the bed next to him, so joonmyun listens to the music with his headphones plugged in.

there’s no bitterness that lingers inside of joonmyun now when he watches the video. the figures may be blurry on the screen, but he knows that his friendships with the five dancing idols is better now, it’s clearer and stronger.

the moves however, he doesn’t remember them well anymore. if he were to practice them, he could probably follow it well, but he doesn’t want to anymore. he’s happy where he is. he’s happy in his dorm, with his members supporting him and reaching for the same dream as him. he’s happy that when he closes his eyes and goes to sleep, it’s not the longing to debut or the betrayal from being cut off from shinee that stays with him, it’s his fans cheering for him and his members.

fin~

Date: 2014-06-07 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kfangirl4.livejournal.com
Thank you, authornim.

I always think about this whenever the two groups interact and I've often wondered if Joonmyun has regrets. He always has a smile on his face but I see the sadness in his eyes and I cry for him,especially now that Yifan..... SOBS

If I could hug just one member, just pass along some energy, courage and comfort, I choose Joonmyun. Jongin is my bias, the reason I joined the fandom, but Joonmyun carries such a burden and needs comfort more than Jongin right now.

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